Monday, May 27, 2013

Choose Ye This Day

Satan is a very real being, that knows us on a level that should make everyone feel very, very uncomfortable. 

(I don't beat around the bush.)

I'm writing about this because he has recently been throwing some of his finest curve balls my way. 

First off: Guy that I kinda-sorta-dated comes back into town and makes things get a little crazy in my head. There are some...interesting stories that I could tell about that one. I start questioning if I really want to go on a mission after all. If I leave, he will get married while I am gone. The thought ran through my mind constantly.

Next: I see my one and only ex-boyfriend in town. I NEVER see this guy 'just around town', okay? Things did NOT end well. At all. I've only seen him once before post-break up, and that was a freaky event that I wished never to repeat. Seeing him throws me off my game, plain and simple. SO, when I saw him during the midst of my I-haven't-gotten-my-call-yet-and-I-really-am-barely-keeping-my-cool craze, 
(with the lovely addition of Guy #1 issues), seeing him at this point made me want to cry/scream/throw up/pull my hair out. As if this cocktail of emotions wasn't enough, this ex-boyfriend of mine decides that it would be a really good idea to call me a foul name as I walk by. I cried after rushing to the nearest corner out of sight.

After that: My little sister and I have a rocky relationship right now. We used to be the best of friends. We barely speak now, and I miss her more than I could possibly tell you. I understand that being a teenager is hard, and that there are times when all you need is lots and lots of space. But I'm leaving in less than 3 months. She...she'll be so different after I get back. In a last ditch effort to make contact, I asked if she was going to write me while I was gone. She responded with a very short, very prompt, and extremely serious, "No."

Finally: The first person that I ever invited to take the missionary discussions who also ended up getting baptized has recently fallen away from the church and said some extremely nasty things to me just a few short days ago. She told me that I was going to be the worst missionary ever, and that I was going to fail miserably in the field. She told me all about what an awful, horrible person she thinks that I am. She exploited some very real insecurities that I have to make me feel very, very small. She wished many bad things would happen to me. Now, I don't very easily doubt myself, but this? This did it. 

And Satan knew that it would.

So why am I writing this? I'm normally pretty peppy on here, aren't I?

I'm writing it because of this:

All of this, the big kickers, (plus the zillions of little things) force you to either:

a) Break and crumble under the pressure


b) Come closer to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, as well as the Father. 

Trials are just the things that make us choose. We either devote ourselves, or fall. There is no other way.

So. What did I do?

I told myself that Guy #1 is just a guy. Albeit a very good guy, but in the end? Just a guy. My Savior needs this time with me more than I need time with Guy #1. (Through prayer, I was also able to realize that we're just really good friend anyways.)

I cried about what my ex-boyfriend did in the past, as seeing him re-opens old wounds, and I cried about what he said as I passed by. Did I deserve that? Of course not. Will I be reduced by it? When pigs fly.

I wrote my sister a note telling her how I felt, seeing as how she won't talk to me. She ignored it, but I feel better knowing that I at least tried to do something to salvage the relationship before I leave for the next 18 months.

I did not retaliate in anger as this girl that said these incredibly rude, uncalled for, and viscous things to me. I let her know that it wasn't okay to treat me as she was, apologized for the wrongs that she believes that I did, and left the situation. 

And then I prayed. 

Our Lord, Christ, The Redeemer, The Prince of Peace, The Son of God is always there for us. He was confused with me, He cried with me, He longed with me, and He was wounded right alongside me. Every single step of the way, He was with me. He knew what I was feeling during each of these events. But He also knew that I could make it through them. 

When you're feeling weak, there is always Somebody that knows that we can make it. 

Even if we don't know it ourselves.  

Have faith in that, and take the next step that you can in the right direction. Leave the rest of it up to Him, and He will bless you for your strength.

He will be with you, even when you feel alone.

He will guide you, even when you feel lost. 

He lifts you, even when you feel low.

And most importantly: 

He will love you. Even when you feel unloved.

Especially when you feel unloved.

He will never abandon you. 


  1. This was basically just wonderful. Way to roll with the punches and come out stronger. I totally get you with the curve-balls (right before my papers were submitted, I found out my ex had gotten engaged... we had talked about marriage, and I had waited for him on his mission), but you know what? These experiences make you more ready to relate to people in the field. You're going to be wonderful, my dear sister, and you will love W. Virginia, and W. Virginia will love YOU (I am certified to say this, I lived there 3 years). Keep on!

  2. Thanks so much for the support! I'm so excited to love my little piece of Almost Heaven, wherever that may be. :)

  3. I didn't know about all of this happening, just some of it. Your resilience is amazing and I'm so proud of you for letting these bad things turn you to the Lord instead of tearing you down. You are becoming a very wise woman, Meaghan. You are going to be amazing in the mission field. Wow, I'm proud of you already and you haven't even left yet!